Things are getting a little stuffy in here from all the emotions…or maybe that’s just me… 😉
So anyways, just take a breather and at least smile yea? 😀
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced “Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.” Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, “My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.” The whole audience (including priest) started laughing………….
……….but not the poor groom.
One day, a fellow complained to his friend.“My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend offered, “Don’t do that! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” He figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter’s using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife’s pregnant – twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And, if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
And here’s one I actually read in a bookstore very recently that triggered my funny bone…
When God created the world, he created the donkey.
God said to the donkey, “You will be a donkey. You will work un-tringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, You will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.”
The donkey answered: “What? You want me to spend 50 years living such a difficult life?! I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years and the 30 years I give back to you.” God granted his wish.
Then God created the dog and said to him. “You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will bark at anything that approaches the house and you will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.”
The dog answered: “Sir, to live 30 years is to much, give me only 15 years.” God granted his wish.
Then God created the monkey and said to him. “You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks to entertain and you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.”
The monkey answered: “To live 20 years is too mush, give me only 10 years.” God granted his wish.
Finally God created man and said to him. “You will be man and become master over all the animals. You will enjoy your life and just relax and you will live 20 years.” Man responded: “Sir, I will be a man but to live 20 years such a wonderful life is very little! Give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.” God granted man’s wish.
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spend 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children is grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter and do tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
HAPPY LABOUR DAY y’all… 😀