Dear Mom

I just got off the phone with you and am now broken down in tears…

Again I am reminded of all those times I’m never a good enough daughter for you…
Why is it always easier for you to care for my brothers than to care for me? Don’t you know how much it hurts me?

Since I was small, I’ve been pretty self-sufficient because of that very reason. I didn’t want to inconvenient you cos I felt you were too busy caring for my brothers instead of me. And it wasn’t just my younger brothers either…

When I tell people Im the only girl, their response is “Oh, you must be mommy’s princess and daddy’s little girl!” and all I can say is “Not really…” but it hurts me everytime. And yeah, growing up “self-sufficient” does make me more independent, which is something you take pride in now…but do you know that everytime you tell your friends how independent I was ever since I was young, it brings me sad and unhappy feelings?

Ever since as long as I could remember, I never quite measured up to your standards Mom…never quite got there and at times like now, I wonder if I ever will… My whole life has been a comparison between me and my brothers and I try so hard to make you proud, thinking that that would earn me your attention. It works, but the results are always forgotten soon enough…the efforts and the sacrifices, never enough…

I acknowledge the fact that in your eyes, you are being fair to all of us, me and my siblings, but in my heart, I dont feel it is so…is my heart deceiving me? If so, then why am I crying???

Im sorry I failed you again…why didnt you stop me there and then so I wouldnt have done what I did? Before I called, I didnt even know I did anything wrong! And now, all the blame’s on me…why is the blame all always on me?

Forgive me for not being the daughter of your dreams Mom and please forgive me for not being brave enough to let you know all this in person…no matter what, I love you Mom and I know you love me too.

Ironically, that’s exactly the reason why all this hurts.

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